Start of a transcript of Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Standard interpreter 1.0 (6F) / Library serial number 990428 >about CHICKS DIG JERKS is interactive fiction of standard difficulty level, originally intended as an entry for the 1999 Interactive Fiction Competition. This game does not adhere to the Infocom standard of non-player character communication. Rather than "ASK character ABOUT item" or "TELL character ABOUT item," the player can talk to the other people in the game by typing "TALK TO character" (or simply T character, for short). The resulting menu allows the player to pick from a menu of what you'd like your character to say. The game will with respond with the NPC's response. It is not possible to get the game in an unwinnable state for any dramatic length of time. Score is implemented in order to provide an indication that the story's plot has progressed. Please type "HINT" for further gameplay questions, hints and this ware's design notes. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?" (2) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?" (3) >"You still taking it in the face?" (4) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "Ha. Haa ha. You still taking it in the kei?" >no Exactly. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?" (2) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?" (3) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "I'm just looking to talk to three girls. That's all I want. Well, three numbers, really. Three numbers would be good. And three hot girls, too. I need to restock my phone number supply. You know how I have that drain in the shower that is like a black hole? After losing my toothbrush, razor, soap, V.I.N.C.E.N.T and Old B.O.B. in it, an entire container of those acne pads fall in it. And now it's all backed up. I call a plumber to come by and fix it... I come home that day and he took half the phone numbers down off my corkboard. Who fricking *does* that? What world does that guy live in?" >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?" (2) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Keegan looks to the east. "Pang tried to go to the bathroom like a light year ago. And I know that's a measurement of time, not distance. I don't know what the hell is taking him so long, there's almost no guys here. Unless he's hoping for a stall because he hates the trough-style urination which occurs in that filthy sinkhole. That could be it." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Not a whole lot, really. Donovan and Criswell broke into a tomb and carried away a couple minks last night. I got ahold of some whacked-out maniac at the University who needs a job done. I think Pang just played Super Puzzle Hiro Rancher all night." >l Bar You are up against the bar. It's poorly lit, with the majority of light coming from an ultra-violet ray that illuminates all white it hits, making it appear to glow in the dark. There is a pack of people dancing wildly out on the floor and lots of girls sitting about at tables. >x girls You can't see any such thing. >x girl You can't see any such thing. >x tables You can't see any such thing. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >w You can't go that way. Exits lead south, east or southwest. >s Dance Floor Ah, the famed dance floor of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern! It is here where negotiations for the interest of several types of girls begin. The floor itself is actually set a few feet lower than the bar and the various tables and booths. It's not exactly a mosh pit; its intended effect instead is to display those with the fortitude and personal esteem to rock out to the rest of the frightened losers or sloshed denizens. If you're lucky (as you have been in the past) you put on a good enough show to get a kiss after a couple songs end. If you're like Keegan you thrash about as if in an intense epileptic seizure and usually come quite to blows with some random chud with a baseball cap just centimetres above his eyes. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >talk to girl It's much too loud to really talk to any girls here! >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >thrash That's not a verb I recognise. >listen The DJ is playing some absolute awful club music -- the kind that seems as if it's written in 1/4 time and never, ever ends. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >se You can't go that way. Exits lead north, south or east. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >x redhead She has absolutely gorgeous auburn hair and green eyes. She is wearing an orange t-shirt and pair of blue jeans. She is wearing a pair of glasses which really look sexy on her. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man. You know?" (2) >"Hey, you. Do you always look this good?" (3) >"I know you! Your picture kept coming up when I was researching that paper for Greatest Knockouts Of The Century!" (4) >"You don't get out much, do you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 She blushes at that. "Not always," she says. "I used to be kind of a brainiac when I was little and looked like a real go-tard. Then, one day, it all came together!" "Ah," you state. "Got your breasts, done, huh?" "No!" she exclaims. She took that you were kidding with that statement. "I mean I got sexier glasses and had my braces taken off." Keegan interjects. "Yeah, your legs look like they turned it out OK." She giggles and says, "No, for my teeth, not braces for my legs!" She's playing the game, happy for the attention from two guys who obviously aren't dorks. Gotta like that. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"I know you! Your picture kept coming up when I was researching that paper for Greatest Knockouts Of The Century!" (2) >"You don't get out much, do you?" (3) >"What brings you out here tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 Well, I was talking to my roommie, Kirsty, and she said, "Lisa, you need to go out tonight and meet somebody. You're like Rapunzel locked away in her cave." "Er, I think she was locked in a tower," you say. "Really?" She seems genuinely interested. "Yeah. I mean, she had all that long hair and stuff, and dudes used to climb all over it." She pauses for a second. "Oh! That's right. OK. But still. Like her." "Right. I get the effect you are going for." "OK. Tell me about yourself. Who are you?" >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Well, we're dangerous men and don't want you to get hurt via association." (2) >"Hoping to find some sweethearts, you know?" (3) >"I thought this was a kareoke bar." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "Kareoke? What's that?" "Well, basically it's a way for a bunch of untalented guys to impress girls who should know better by screeching poor renditions of songs you barely recall in keys you're unfamiliar with. Keegan interjects. "Yeah, Van eats that shit up." "The spotlight, as always, needs me. You'd be a cool girl to sing to, though." "Really? Why's that?" "Well, you've obviously got brains enough to appreciate the heartfelt song of a man's soul." "Yeah. I, uh, 'eat that shit up.' She gives you both a friendly laugh. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"We've got to book, actually." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You guys seem really cool. Let me give you my number. Do you have a pen?" You don't. "Um, I'll memorize it." She looks kinda hurt at that statement. "No, really!" I will. I equate football jersey number with phone numbers. Two at a time. Shoot." She gives you a blank stare. "OK... 41..." "Lester Roper," you say. "22." "Bucky Johnson." "97." "Todd Veasey." "3." "Ah, yes. Kicker Sancho Hebert. Roper, Bucky, Veasey, Sancho. No prob!" "You'll really remember it?" "Look, you're a knockout. Of course I will." You tell her yours before she goes. She seems happy about that and gives you a hug before leaving. "Word up," you say to Keegan. >l Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. >get up But you aren't in anything at the moment. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >w You can't go that way. Exits lead north, east, northeast or northwest. >nw Dance Floor >verbose Chicks Dig Jerks has now entered.... Maximum Verbosity. >ne You can't go that way. Exits lead north, south or east. >n Bar You are up against the bar. It's poorly lit, with the majority of light coming from an ultra-violet ray that illuminates all white it hits, making it appear to glow in the dark. There is a pack of people dancing wildly out on the floor and lots of girls sitting about at tables. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. >se You can't go that way. Exits lead south, east or southwest. >sw "Got someplace you're dying to be, Romeo?" asks Keegan. "Hold up a sec, let me finish this." He gestures toward his drink >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >sw You take a quick trip to tables but are unable to really find anyone worth talking to upon closer inspection. You return to the bar. >s Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"You're the cute one tonight, aren't you?" (2) >"Hi there, my name is Avandre -- this is my friend Keegan." (3) >"Sexy!! 'Sup?" (4) >"The magic eight ball said to come talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She smiles at that. "I'm trying to be, you know?" She says it in a way which isn't stuck-up at all. As if she has a kind of vulnerability. You're not sure if it's an act. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"Hi there, my name is Avandre -- this is my friend Keegan." (2) >"Sexy!! 'Sup?" (3) >"The magic eight ball said to come talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Hello there, boys. My name is Trish." >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"So, what brings you out tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Well, you know how it goes. Just looking for someone who feels like being a man. So many guys come to this place and they just don't *talk* to anybody, you know? Now you, at least you appear to be different. So tell me about your favorite kiss." "What?" "C'mon! Tell me about your favorite kiss." >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"Well, that was probably my friend Holly..." (2) >"Hm, probably my girlfriend Jalene." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "My favorite kiss... okay, this is just off the top of my head. It was about four days before Christmas and you know how everybody is just nice to people and whatnot? It was like that. It was a white Christmas that year and I was getting Mean Streak tickets for my friend Holly." "Mean Streak?" she asks. "Yeah, they're a regional football team. They always choke the big ones." Keegan interjects. "Hey, so did Holly!" "Shut up, y'mert. Anyway." You turn your attention back to the girl, "I told her to come by around ten or eleven. Holly was a really cute girl but she was a milf and she worked at a bar and you could never get enough Holly time." You see the puzzled expression on the girl's face. "Ah -- right. A milf. Mother-I'd Liketo Fuck. It's kind of a -- how do you say -- acronym. She was twenty-two but you know how it is at that age. Anyway. She ended up coming over at two-thirty in the morning. I was actually surprised she showed at all. I was originally considering buying her a giant bottle of medicated-brand shampoo because she was such a flake but decided against it. I got her a necklace with a little pearl in the middle of it. She was kinda tanked and I had actually given up and gone to bed, so I was a little groggy. I put it around her neck, and turned her around. I think she was really a little surprised at the moment. It was kinda scary, as she was more my friend than anything else. She stood up and we looked dreamily into each other's eyes for a moment and kissed each other softly. It was just one kiss and the only one we ever had, but the scene was just so perfect and she looked so soft and beautiful. That was probably my favorite kiss." "Wow," says Trish. "Have I met you before and asked you this question?" "Not a chance. Every once in a while I like to try out what your people call 'the truth' like a fat moto tries out an old pair of tight jeans. Just to see if it fits or not." >talk to blonde You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >talk to blonde You really have nothing to say right now. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Hi, sexy." (2) >"Hi there, gorgeous." (3) >"Would you like to dance?" (4) >"Is that a mirror in your pants?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 You attempt to speak to her, but before you can do so she starts talking to herself. She didn't hear a single word, Avandre. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Would you like to dance?" (2) >"Is that a mirror in your pants?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 You approach her to deliver your line. You brush up against her waist, smile and speak softly into her ear. At that point, she completely wigs out. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" She stares stupidly at you. Uncomprehending. She then begins to slap you in a rapid volley of open-palm press-on-nail furor. Keegan jumps to attention. "Enough..." He walks right up to her and brushes aside her continued attacks. He presses his lips tightly up against hers and seems to stick his tongue halfway down her throat. "Exactly," he says. He quickly looks over to you and winks. The girl seems to be slightly calmer than before without really losing the completely insane twinkle in her eye. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Would you like to dance?" (2) >"Is that a mirror in your pants?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 You attempt to speak to her, but before you can do so she starts talking to herself. She didn't hear a single word, Avandre. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Would you like to dance?" (2) >"Is that a mirror in your pants?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 You attempt to speak to her, but before you can do so she starts talking to herself. She didn't hear a single word, Avandre. >kiss brunette She says, "No way!" >hug her She says, "No way!" >smile That's not a verb I recognise. >buy beer You need to be someplace where you buy drinks first. >z Time passes. >s You can't go that way. Exits lead north, east, northeast or northwest. >nw Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (3) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (4) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She remains completely motionless for a moment. Then she breaks into laughter. "I have to admit, that's one that I've never heard before." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (2) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (3) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "You're going to breakdance? Here!?! Omigod! No, don't get your cardboard do it on the floor, okay? Pleeeeeease?" What the hell. You freeze-frame over to the disco floor and get down on the ground in order to do the dolphin. You kick it old school for a couple seconds until some clown cabbage- patches over you and falls. You quickly get the hell out of there and back to the chick. You find her laughing so hard that she is on the verge of tears." "Yeah, you know he's legit 'cos he's from the street," adds Keegan. "Omigod," she says. "That was so cool! Look, I've got to go hit another club, but you simply HAVE to call me sometime. Okay? My name is Catherine." She jots down her number and gives it to you. >talk to redhead You can't see any such thing. >i You are carrying nothing. >score CHICKS DIG JERKS does not use a scoring system. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"What the hell was up with that crazed psycho?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I have no idea. She was absolutely totally and completely bughouse nuts. Sometimes chicks get like that around here. Well, guys do as well, especially when they are suffering from 'roid rage. You can't predict their behavior either, it's just that it normally is manifested in a fury of rage, fists and violence rather than the kind of weak-wristed smacking that betty was giving us." "Roid rage?" you ask. "Yeah," says Keegan. "You know, when a guy is so hooked on steroids that he loses all sense of right and wrong. They just freak out at random intervals. You can't predict those kinds of guys. And since, by definition, they are hopped up on something that affects their musculature they think that a greater terror has yet to walk the fricking earth. We had this guy that played linebacker when I was at University playing football. He pointed over to the direction of the kicker and punter and said, "Hey coach -- how come those guys ain't gots t'pay attention?" and the coach looks right at him and says, "Do they *look* like positional players?" The Wondersquid says, "Nah. They look kinda small." The coach then goes on to give the guy a ten-minute, profanity-laced tirade about the kicking game. Somewhere about minute nine the guy realizes the entire team is snickering at him and just goes totally mental. He thrashes the kicker and they have to call an ambulance. 'Roid rage." >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >l Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >e Outside the Bathroom You are currently waiting outside the bathroom at Mick's. There only seems to be two or three chuds ahead of you at the present time. You've always wondered why they painted pictures of the Ameba on the inside of the stalls. There are definitely greater heroes to pick from when designing the indoor of a filthy bathroom. You would have thought that the Golden Avenger, for instance, would pull the effect off much better. Pang's not here, so he either finally got inside or is outside barfing on the patio. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >x man He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. You notice that there are a couple guys ahead of you in line who seem to be regarding you with a fair amount of disdain. >x me (Avandre Varick) You are a fine specimen of humanity. You have brown eyes and black hair (which is currently styled as a random smattering of dreadlocks). You are wearing a black-and-red football jersey, a pair of cargo pants and a pair of hightops minus the laces. You are generally regarded by many as a complete assjack. The short guy comes up to you. He says, "You fucking looking at something, dick?" >talk to guy Please select one: (1) >"Sorry, what was that?" (2) >"Lick 'em, Tom Thumb. I will fucking ruin you." (3) >"No, no problems whatsoever!" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Yeah, that's what I thought." The punk turns around snickering at you with his buddy. >talk to guy You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >e You don't want to lose your spot in line. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >talk to guy You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >x man He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. >hint 1. What am I trying to do at the beginning of the game? 2. I don't seem to be making any progress with any of these girls. 3. What's the deal with the language? 4. Tell me about this game's development. 5. Tell me more about this game's author. >3 It has been my experience that young (immature, if you will) adults in a comfortable social setting with invariably swear like stubble-chinned sailors when together. Personally, I thank my experience at Syracuse University for such a revelation. I had a decision: I could either formulate a "replacement" word like "smeg" and "trot" or simply use words in practice today. I chose the latter. It's not supposed to shock or impress anyone. I didn't feel comfortable in attempting to program a "nice" and "naughty" mode, however that may be in store for a post-comp revision. I will be the first one to state that many of the actions and responses in this game are not suited for small children and while I feel that IF is a wonderful "carrot" to be used to stimulate learning, I would not recommend this game be used in such a way. "Seastalker," for instance, fills that niche quite nicely. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >hint 1. What am I trying to do at the beginning of the game? 2. I don't seem to be making any progress with any of these girls. 3. What's the deal with the language? 4. Tell me about this game's development. 5. Tell me more about this game's author. >1 You are, as you find out by TALKing to KEEGAN, trying to get a couple phone numbers while out at the bar tonight. You can do this by going to the tables along the south side of the Tavern and TALKing to the GIRLs there. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >e You don't want to lose your spot in line. >hint 1. What am I trying to do at the beginning of the game? 2. I don't seem to be making any progress with any of these girls. 3. What's the deal with the language? 4. Tell me about this game's development. 5. Tell me more about this game's author. >2 Be sure to LOOK at them before talking to them, often their mannerisms, appearance and such will provide clues as to the type of conversation they are likely to be receptive to. Don't get discouraged, though, as there are a lot of girls out tonight and you're bound to eventually do well with a few of them. When in doubt, always refer to the game's title. If it turns out that you need more, specific, help, there should be a walkthru called "chix.txt" included with the story file. In the event of a disaster, contact me so I can get a copy of the walkthru to you. I'm at robb_sherwin at juno.com. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >x man He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. >hit man You come up on the guy with a flying elbow to his back. Instantly, the bar erupts into a mad fury of mostly drunken teenage violence. The dude you hammered recovers and attempts to viciously rip you apart. He screams obscenities so foul the bouncers start to blush crimson. [Please press SPACE to continue] You take off completely by yourself, leaving Keegan and Pang to make their own way home. You're consumed by the random spurts of aggressive violence in your life. You crash as soon as you enter your apartment and are overcome by a dream that refuses to let you go. You remember playing keyboard in your band, Nightlife. You had plenty of gigs long before you moved to the Fort and for this particular one you remember borrowing a strobe light and laser system. You finish your set and go get a towel -- there was a brunette you remember seeing at the club that you wanted to try to meet. After drying off, you went to go see the club owner in order to get paid. As you approached, you noticed that the very girl you had singled out was sitting across the bar staring you down. She looked ravishing, dangerous. She wore thick black mascara that, while making her come off as an incredibly cheap whore, did strangely look sexy against her dark skin. You tried to guess her ethnicity. Definitely south of here. Maybe off one of the islands? As you considered it, she finished her drink and licked her lips. It appeared as if the strobe light was somehow back on. She left her mouth wide open and beckoned you to join her. "Shit, sometimes it's just too easy." You almost feel sorry for her, as she is completely helpless against a sexy musician in your (at the time) short dreads. Then again, looking so fine it's often a struggle with yourself to just get out of the house without awarding yourself your very own virtual slurpee. She brought you to one of the back rooms by the hand. She opened the door and let you lead. There is almost no room to move about, as there are several amps, microphone stands and t-shirts scattered about in a random heap. Trying to keep cool you look about the room, as if she suddenly wasn't interesting or sexy anymore. While looking about you see the empty husks of the other three members of your band! They seem to have been nailed to the wall, where they hang like pinatas. Your friend Gabriel weakly moans to you, but it's completely incomprehensible. You remember the girl and turn to face her. As you do, she moves her hands up to your face (her nails are so long and so red!) and brings your face to hers (oh god, she smells so fucking good, like a fresh blast of wind and sex) and kisses you. The energy quickly begins to leave your body, escaping through your lips. You hear her ache in ecstacy; draining you is making her absolutely wild and reckless. After what seems like an hour you have no more warmth, no more heat and she throws you to the floor. She smiles sadistically before bringing out some thumb tacks and making you part of her collection. You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >x criswell He is a fuct-in-the-head lanky freak usually skulking about in the shadows. He is useful for getting horse tranquilizer and quarterbacking a flag football team. You're still not sure how he draws a paycheck, as all he ever does is hang around the break room. He is wearing a FREE PITTMAN t-shirt and pair of shredded, acid-washed jeans. It appears as if he has recently dyed his hair goblin green. Pang shoots Criswell in the face with a grenade launcher. He yells, "Eat it, bitch!" >x pang He is a testament to the power of a daily, regimented strength and conditioning programme. He is about six-foot-four, two-hundred seventy pounds with about 9% body fat. He is sporting a crew cut and unibrow. Criswell retaliates with a rapid layer of hot slag that slices through the air, killing Pang's character. "This ain't Championship Manager, McDickle. Ya gots t'pay *attention* out there!" >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"What the hell took so long in there?" (2) >"Christ, man, did you fall in?" (3) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I hate having to go in there... everybody's always hogging the stalls." Criswell gets up for a moment and goes to the refrigerator. He picks up a jug and sniffs it. "Hey, is this orange juice?" Everyone replies, "Yeah." Criswell wrinkles his nose and is visably irritated. "Look, is it orange juice or just a really big screwdriver?" Everyone replies, "Screwdriver." >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 0 Eeeagh! Stage fright! Abort! The video game crashes. Pang slams his fist down on the console. "Dammit! This fucking thing has more bugs than a tropical swamp!" Keegan enters and gives you a nod. "Just a sec and I'll be ready to go," he says. >talk to criswell You really have nothing to say right now. Criswell appears visably annoyed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fat piece of trash? Keep hitting the system like I hit your mom last night and I'll bust a cap through your ass." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" (2) >"What's the plan for tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial. Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway, The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive itself." Pang loads the disc up again. "Remind me to shiver," he says to Criswell. >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Let's do it, dude!" The three of you proceed to beat the living crap out of those two guys. They were certainly not prepared for you to have a guy like Pang hanging around you. After all the violence comes to an end you gather together with Pang and Keegan. Pang asks you if you're ready to take off, and it looks like there is very little else to do tonight. You respond affirmatively. As you're about to leave, Catherine comes up to you and puts her hand on your shoulder. "Avandre," she says, "I was just wondering. Um, would you like to come home with me?" She gives you a little smile and makes eye contact awaiting your response. >(Yes/No) y "I'd love to," you say. You give a quick heads-up to Keegan and Pang with Catherine on your arm. "Hey, remember that time you two did the 3D-modeling for that hot action game Virtua Queef?" Keegan sees that you've got a girl with you. "Get lost, assjack." [Please press SPACE to continue] You find yourself back in Catherine's bedroom. It's a fluffy, overblown megadeal complete with the giant, roofed bed. You've been in situations like this before, it's nothing you can't handle. She leaves to freshen up for a second and you use the time to check out the scene for weird odds and ends to comment on. It's always been your experience that girls love talking about their room. Catherine arrives from the bathroom. She lights three or four candles about the room and then turns off all the lights. She spends a moment looking you over as you lay on her bed. She grins and then comes over toward you, just out of reach. She plays a compact disc and hits fast-forward until it reaches the sixth song. The song starts off with a slow, steady electric guitar that snaps on beats two and four. You hear whispers from the vocalist and she turns the volume up. She continues to keep beat to the music, dancing for you. She loses her self for a second and then comes back to earth and sees that you are transfixed. She slowly starts to undress. Looks like you really lucked out this time, as you become more and more arsoused looking at her tight, sexy body. She starts to mouth the music and turns away from you, still writhing. The first words she says since you came back to her place are in concert with the song. Her eyes get larger. "His arms are around me, and he's tearing my eyes...." she is now wearing almost nothing and comes to you on the bed. Stalking you, on all fours, as if you are prey. You sit with your arms behind your head, obviously amused and enjoying the show she's giving you. She seems to have completely accepted the fact that you are going to remain there, motionless, for a bit. She closes her eyes as she begins to slip out of her bra. You feel the music coming to a close and decide to strike on the final chord of the song. She clearly wasn't expecting you to be so fast. You bring her head up and look into her hazel eyes. You bring her mouth to yours and without breaking eye contact slowly trace just the tip of your tongue under her upper lip. You gently stroke a line down cheek with your fingers and turn your attention to her neck. Slowly, slowly, so slowly, you start to proceed down. Her shoulders smell so fucking incredible and are so smooth. You hold her around her waist with your left hand and unfasten her bra with your right. You look into her eyes again as you trace your thumbs under her nipples. She closes her eyes and so quietly moans; for just a little bit. Without warning, she jerks her eyes wide open and pushes you down on the bed. She kisses you, ravages your tongue with hers. She starts to lick your face like a little kitten and rips off your jersey. She throws it clear across the room, knocking over and blowing out a candle. You take a hold of her, just below her waist and simply command her to move closer to you. You then peel off the rest of her clothing. She giggles and then undoes the snap on your cargo pants. She throws them on the floor and parts your boxers. She starts to take you into her mouth and it feels... it feels right. God, ecstasy. You forget everything else and just enjoy this sexy, gorgeous woman teasing you, giving you just the beginnings of some head. Before the rocket can blast off into space, you bring her face back up towards yours and kiss her. You caress her everywhere, alternating between quick and drawn-out touches. She holds her hair up above her head, almost posing for you. You decide to make her feel like a goddess. You rise, mouth her everywhere on her chest and then lay her softly upon the sheets of the bed. You go down, explore her all over and listen to her reactions; try to understand what she enjoys, what's making her call out her God's name, what makes her spastic. The two of you have animal sex for the better part of the night. Afterwards, she falls asleep and you tuck her in. You find a pen and some paper and leave her a little note and your number. You kiss her on the forehead and she (reflexively?) smiles contently. You blow out the remaining candles, dress, and make your way home. You drop, exhausted, and are haunted by a dream you've had randomly but continually for years. You recall one of those lazy summer days when there were no responsibilities and you were totally free. Kiera was sitting upon the hill by the reservoir waiting for your visit. She'd always appeared to you as a lifeless doll waiting for your imagination and humour to fully animate her as you approached. You don't recall ever stopping to cherish the scene, though you made countless dates there and it was always beautiful. You took for granted the warmth of the sun on your skin and the minty scent of the freshly-cropped grass. In this dream you always ascend the hill and sit right next to her and -- instead of being greeted with genuine good cheer -- you feel as if her smile conceals a knife about to be treacherously twisted into your spine. In reality, of course, you never had a fight, conniption, spastic attack or argument on the hill. "You have to stop coming around." She said that once in all the time you were together. The end, natch. Invariably, it's all you can ever recall her saying since the day she left. You ask her about the Other Guy. Not as smugly as you would today. No hint of sarcasm. She frowns, as angry as you've ever remembered. She briefly looks away, as if your eye contact still had any sort of power over her and returns to stare right through you. "He's a friend," she states bluntly. Coldly. And you always wanted to, at that point, deliver all the rage you had inside which burns to this day, to throw wave after wave of hatred and anger upon her, to unleash your horror like a meteor storm. To rock the bitch's world and leave her reeling and bleeding. But, as always, you're completely frozen and unable to do so in the dream. You're instead consumed by thoughts of how it happened, how she got to this point. Regretting all the time spent with your worthless friends (now thousands of miles away), all the nights chilling with the other punk-ass goth rejects at the cemetery, all the time you didn't spend, basically, being an exciting, unavailable, uncontrollable asshole. So you'll wake up in the morning wishing, just once, to throw her down the hill or into the reservoir and tell her, finally, to fuck off. The sheer mediocrity of your life enrages you to the point of resolving to finally make a difference and something out of your life. But it always fades, quickly, as you wrestle with determining where you are and whom you woke up with. [Please press SPACE to continue] You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Pang here. Keegan is here, getting ready to leave for tonight's job. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. "And another thing," says Criswell. "You play like an absolute girl. A little, freaking *girl*. You hop around like you're having a seizure and do more camping than a Winnebago. He looks towards you. "I don't know how you manage to watch this shit, Van Queef. He makes me sick but my attention is usually paid whipping his sorry ass. If I were in your position I'd have barfed up both lungs and a kidney by now." >x game I don't know the word "game". >x keegan He is a shifty little heartbreaker, effortless in his style and grace. He is wearing a pair of oversized dungarees, a red baseball cap and a black polyester jersey. Pang retorts. "If I had as much free time as you I would no doubt be the superior opponent. But your stoner ass has been doing nothing but play vapid warez like this since Kaitlan left you. I mean, Christ, you were tripping on horse tranquilizer last time I saw you." "Hey!!" interjects Criswell. "I gave all that stuff to Keegan!" >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" (2) >"What's the plan for tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial. Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway, The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive itself." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. It's about a two-hour drive. I'll drive." You follow Keegan out and get into his chevette. Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. Your shovel is buried underneath a ton of crap in Keegan's backseat. >get shovel Ah! It feels good to once again have your shovel in your possession. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"So what the hell is new, anyway?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Keegan shrugs, then lights up. "Oh! You know who I ran into the other day? Krista." He sees the puzzled look on your face. "C'mon, you remember Krista. She was a friend of Jalene." Jalene. The first girl you ever fell in love with. The sexiest redhead you've ever seen on the face of the planet. Who now lives two continents away. She moved a couple years ago and the two of you have lost touch. "I don't remember her hanging out with any Krista," you say. "Yeah, yeah you do. She was from the east coast. Had that accent -- always turned her R's into 'AHs'. She'd always say, 'I want some smah-ties! I am looking to date a guy named MAH-tin!!' Well, anyway, I ran into her the other day. "Where?" "I'd rather not get into that." "Don't give me that shit. Where the hell where you that you ran into Jalene's alledgedly existing posse? I don't yet believe they exist, so you'd better provide some scenery." "I was at the florist." "Nothing wrong with going to the florist," you say. You give it about a four- second pause before interjecting. "The FLORIST? What the hell is wrong with you? No -- scratch that. Please, tell me what's *right* with you. You haven't had a date in a lightyear and I know that's a measure of time, not distance. So it wasn't for some chick. You didn't end up going to some teenagers's prom, did you? Please. Elucidate your thoughts." "I was taking Blur there. He had a project for school. Or something. He had to grow a rubber plant." "Nice use of the 'little brother excuse,'" you say. "Thanks. Anyway, Speaking of rubber plants, I got an update on Jalene from her. She actually had an abortion two weeks ago." Stunned silence. "It wasn't one of MINE, is it?" "No, dude, no... some guy she met after she moved. The trojan broke or something. Besides, I'm pretty sure that only elephants have like a thirty-month gestation period." "Yeah. That's a pretty good point. But hell, for all I know she kept some of the swimmies in a magic jar somewhere." "Um," says Keegan. "I find the direction you are steering this conversation demented and frightening. Let's just listen to the radio." >listen to radio I don't know the word "radio". >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. You hear an annoying slurping noise as Keegan sucks away the last of his cola. >i You are carrying: a silvery shovel Keegan finishes off his can of pop and chucks it out the window. "Hey!" you exclaim. "That can be fucking recycled!" Keegan shrugs. "It still can be." >x shovel Your most valued possession, the shovel, has sometimes been your only true companion since given to you for your thirteenth birthday. Your uncle presented it to you not so much to kindle your interest in this Most Honourable Trade as he did to irk your father. (No matter.) It's inscribed simply with your name, "Avandre Varick." The shaft was hand-crafted from a rather expensive cherry and continues to give off a lovely aroma (seemingly impervious to close contact with endless rotting cadavers and maggot colonies). The blade of the shovel is very warm and friendly to peer into. It seems to be made of silver or chromium but is much, much harder. >look in blade I don't know the word "blade". >look in shovel You find nothing of interest. >smell shovel The silvery shovel smells strongly of freshly cut cherry. >z Time passes. >out Leaping from a moving car would only be cool if someone were filming it, so you could end up on the "WORLD'S WORST PASSENGERS" special. Seeing how you were already made fun of on "WHEN JEWS ATTACK IV" you have no desire to further line that studio's pocketbook. Keegan takes the car off the highway. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes a right onto a gravely road. "Okay," he says. "Almost there." >x car It's an old chevette that has seen plenty of better days. The seats have fabric sticking out of them, the backseats are full of garbage and refuse. There's a tobacco spitter in the custom drink rack Keegan "built". You feel as if you can get a sexually transmitted disease just by looking at it. Keegan stops the car and turns off the engine. He turns to you. "Time to take care of biz-ness." >out Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. You can see Keegan. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. You can see Keegan. >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >n The fence prevents passage in that direction. Exits lead north, south, east, west, northeast or northwest. >climb fence I don't think much is to be achieved by that. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. You can see a motionless cemetery guard here, slumped against the fence. >x guard Upon touching the guard for examination, he falls apart in several different sliced pieces! Scraps of his head seperate, squirting blood everywhere. His midsection undoes like finely sliced salami. You are able to determine that he was in his late forties, about six-foot tall and approximately two-hundred thirty pounds. You see that he was carrying a stray piece of lumber with him and a gun. Upon examination, the gun seems to have no more shots left in it. >get gun Taken. >get lumber Keegan pipes up with a comment. "Hey, see if you can find anything worthwhile in my car, willya? I may have a plan for getting over that fence." >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >sw Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. >s Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. >s Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. >s You can't get back on the highway yet. >search car You find nothing of interest. >x car Keegan's car is kind of a beat up old Chevette. >enter car Just type "in" if you wish to enter Keegan's car. >in Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. You notice that Keegan's backseat can probably be removed. >remove backseat (first taking the backseat of Keegan's car) You rip out the backseat of his car and carry it with you. Doing so reveals a single functional spring. >get spring Taken. >x spring It's a spring from Keegan's backseat. >l Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. >out Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. >i You are carrying: a spring the backseat of Keegan's car a piece of lumber a glock a silvery shovel >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >nw West of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. >nw Heavy growth prevents further travel in that direction. Exits lead east. >e Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >x guard Let the dead rest in pieces. >n The fence prevents you from going in that direction. >sw Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. >climb fence I don't think much is to be achieved by that. >x keegan You can't see any such thing. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >give spring to keegan Keegan doesn't seem interested. >give seat to keegan Keegan doesn't seem interested. >i You are carrying: a spring the backseat of Keegan's car a piece of lumber a glock a silvery shovel >x glock Looks like the kind of glock you used to see everyday while growing up. >dig What do you want to dig? >hole You can't see any such thing. >dig in ground I don't know the word "ground". >l East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >hint 1. What am I trying to do at the beginning of the game? 2. I don't seem to be making any progress with any of these girls. 3. What's the deal with the language? 4. Tell me about this game's development. 5. Tell me more about this game's author. > >drop spring Dropped. >put lumber on spring You put the piece of lumber on the spring. >jump on lumber You take a running start and proceed to vault off the board, hoping to make it over the fence. You manage to get pretty solid height when you realize you're about to come down straight on the fence's fanged stiletos! Luckily, you avoid getting your chest impaled by using Keegan's backseat as a sort of shield. You stick it out in front of you and it catches the fangs. You fall over the fence onto the other side. Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >x tombstones I don't know the word "tombstones". >x stone I don't know the word "stone". >l Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. Keegan performs the same manuever you did, and jumps over the fence. "I guess there was a little bounce still left in that one spring, huh Van?" >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >dig What do you want to dig? >ground I don't know the word "ground". >z Time passes. >dig grave I don't know the word "grave". >l Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is within a well-maintained grassy field and there are several immaculate tombstones located about. To the east appears to be some type of shed, while a large, stone sculpture dominates the scenery in the opposite direction. You realize that you two are not alone! There is a woman clad in black to the west. Keegan is here. >x woman You can't see any such thing. >w As you attempt to go toward the western section of the graveyard, you see a woman look up and notice your approach. She chants something in tongues and unleashes a series of burning knives! You duck and narrowly miss them. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >e Outside the Shed Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single, centered window obscured by cobwebs. Keegan is here. >enter shed That's not something you can enter. You suddenly hear a loud crash and a hollow, raspy scream! Something is emerging from the shed! >x shed This is a kind of run-down wooden shack, almost nauseating in its rotted stench. The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to shamble toward you. >aim gun at thing That's not a verb I recognise. >show gun to thing The ghastly abomination is unimpressed. There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Shed You are in a clearing where a shed used to be. There is now only a black mist that permeates the air. Keegan is here. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >enter shed That's not something you can enter. >l Outside the Shed You are in a clearing where a shed used to be. There is now only a black mist that permeates the air. Keegan is here. >x mist I don't know the word "mist". >search mist I don't know the word "mist". >w Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is within a well-maintained grassy field and there are several immaculate tombstones located about. To the east appears to be some type of shed, while a large, stone sculpture dominates the scenery in the opposite direction. You realize that you two are not alone! There is a woman clad in black to the west. Keegan is here. >x sculpture I don't know the word "sculpture". >w The woman stops from her study and gives you her attention once again. You get a little closer to her, but her aim is much better this time. She somehow unleashes a series of knives at you that slice you into several neat pieces. You are so suprised it takes you a few moments to register that you have been slain. You vaguely smell deep, thick smoke before dying. You are drawn from your oblivion by a force you do not, in death, understand. Throughout the years you discern that you have been raised, somehow, by this woman and she wields an unholy power over you. You are instructed to guard a deep, subterrean lair and spend seemingly eons doing nothing but this. You obey to the best of your ability, seeking nor desiring anything more. *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] >x woman You can't see any such thing. >n Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. Keegan is here. >x circle I don't know the word "circle". >x grass I don't know the word "grass". >n The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, east, west or southeast. >e Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. >x crosses I don't know the word "crosses". >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >dig What do you want to dig? >x guy You can't see any such thing. >shoot guy You can't see any such thing. >attack guy You can't see any such thing. >z Time passes. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. >z Time passes. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >attack guy You can't see any such thing. >kill guy You can't see any such thing. > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn No more undo information available. Continue input... Hot key -- Undo one turn No more undo information available. Continue input... z Time passes. The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to shamble toward you. >attack abomination You attempt to attack the abomination, but it quickly strikes and sends you flying away! There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist. >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. >x guy You can't see any such thing. >z Time passes. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >attack man You can't see any such thing. >attack What do you want to attack? >anything I don't know the word "anything". >attack him Violence isn't the answer to this one. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >s Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >w The woman stops from her study and gives you her attention once again. You get a little closer to her, but her aim is much better this time. She somehow unleashes a series of knives at you that slice you into several neat pieces. You are so suprised it takes you a few moments to register that you have been slain. You vaguely smell deep, thick smoke before dying. You are drawn from your oblivion by a force you do not, in death, understand. Throughout the years you discern that you have been raised, somehow, by this woman and she wields an unholy power over you. You are instructed to guard a deep, subterrean lair and spend seemingly eons doing nothing but this. You obey to the best of your ability, seeking nor desiring anything more. *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >n Outside the Shed You are in a clearing where a shed used to be. There is now only a black mist that permeates the air. >z Time passes. >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >e Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >s Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >w The woman stops from her study and gives you her attention once again. You get a little closer to her, but her aim is much better this time. She somehow unleashes a series of knives at you that slice you into several neat pieces. You are so suprised it takes you a few moments to register that you have been slain. You vaguely smell deep, thick smoke before dying. You are drawn from your oblivion by a force you do not, in death, understand. Throughout the years you discern that you have been raised, somehow, by this woman and she wields an unholy power over you. You are instructed to guard a deep, subterrean lair and spend seemingly eons doing nothing but this. You obey to the best of your ability, seeking nor desiring anything more. *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] >z Time passes. >l Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >n Outside the Shed You are in a clearing where a shed used to be. There is now only a black mist that permeates the air. >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead north, west or northeast. >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >n The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >sw Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >n Outside the Shed You are in a clearing where a shed used to be. There is now only a black mist that permeates the air. >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead north, west or northeast. >ne Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >n The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >quit Are you sure you want to quit? n >script off End of transcript.