Start of a transcript of Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Standard interpreter 1.0 (6F) / Library serial number 990428 >restart Are you sure you want to restart? y [Please press SPACE to continue] [ WARNING There are absolutely no role models in this game. No one should emulate any of the actions of any of the characters you are about to meet. This game contains adult language and situations and is not intended for children. ] It's Thursday night and you're at Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern. All the girls you couldn't nail while wasting away at military school are out looking to meet interesting chaps like yourself and your compatriots. The 'Mick is kind of a meat-market (meaning that predators of both gender and varying sexual preference skulk about attempting to discern potential companionship for an evening... and the prey have no illusions about that). Your friends and co-workers Keegan and Pang have joined you. They're great guys to go bar-hopping with: Pang left to use the lavatory an eternity ago while Keegan just bolted to hit on a girl. They do, however, always have your back and allow you to be a complete assjack when you party together. You definitely lucked out in getting to know them as most of the people you meet at work are a bunch of stiffs. Tonight there really does seem to be an inordinate amount of sexy knock-outs to chat up. Pump it up, Avandre, and try not to bring your boys down! Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Bar You are up against the bar of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern and have a pretty solid view of the kids whom have come out tonight to party. Preps, goths, betties, freaks, cheerleaders, milfs, sorority types -- you've never seen the place so packed with such wholesome goodness. Fortunately it appears as if your competition contains an inordinate amount of chuds and losers. Keegan returns, shaking his head. He briefly looks toward you. "God, she smelled like an absolute honeypot. And I don't mean that in a sexist way, I mean it literally. Like she had bathed in honeycomb or something." He takes a sip and continues. "I mean, I can deal with that, you know? I told her I was having difficulty mating my plastic honey bear because the only other syrup-based lifeform I knew was Aunt Jemima and it didn't want to go hogging. I was about to ask her if she wanted to help out when she copped this major 'tude. Apparently she was totally unaware what she smells like. Pfft. Clueless." You nod. "Dude, no worries there. I'm guessing it would have ended badly when she got attacked by a swarm of yellowjackets right before you were about to drop the hammer." Keegan grins at that, his morale restored. "Er, well, I also accidently sneezed all over her. That probably had something to do with her rapid case of frostbite." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?" (2) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?" (3) >"You still taking it in the face?" (4) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Keegan looks to the east. "Pang tried to go to the bathroom like a light year ago. And I know that's a measurement of time, not distance. I don't know what the hell is taking him so long, there's almost no guys here. Unless he's hoping for a stall because he hates the trough-style urination which occurs in that filthy sinkhole. That could be it." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?" (2) >"You still taking it in the face?" (3) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I'm just looking to talk to three girls. That's all I want. Well, three numbers, really. Three numbers would be good. And three hot girls, too. I need to restock my phone number supply. You know how I have that drain in the shower that is like a black hole? After losing my toothbrush, razor, soap, V.I.N.C.E.N.T and Old B.O.B. in it, an entire container of those acne pads fall in it. And now it's all backed up. I call a plumber to come by and fix it... I come home that day and he took half the phone numbers down off my corkboard. Who fricking *does* that? What world does that guy live in?" > I beg your pardon? >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You still taking it in the face?" (2) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Ha. Haa ha. You still taking it in the kei?" >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Not a whole lot, really. Donovan and Criswell broke into a tomb and carried away a couple minks last night. I got ahold of some whacked-out maniac at the University who needs a job done. I think Pang just played Super Puzzle Hiro Rancher all night." >s Dance Floor Ah, the famed dance floor of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern! It is here where negotiations for the interest of several types of girls begin. The floor itself is actually set a few feet lower than the bar and the various tables and booths. It's not exactly a mosh pit; its intended effect instead is to display those with the fortitude and personal esteem to rock out to the rest of the frightened losers or sloshed denizens. If you're lucky (as you have been in the past) you put on a good enough show to get a kiss after a couple songs end. If you're like Keegan you thrash about as if in an intense epileptic seizure and usually come quite to blows with some random chud with a baseball cap just centimetres above his eyes. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >x brunette She has long, dark hair and brown eyes. She is wearing a bra, jacket and short black skirt. Your eyes meet hers, and she freezes. She instantly looks you up and down. She licks her lips smiles evily. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Are you upset that Jimmy quit and Jody got married?" (2) >"Do you dig guys with dreadlocks?" (3) >"There's a seer by the bar saying that you'll give handjobs to the really cute guys. Is that true?" (4) >"You're not zorked, are you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "You motion toward Keegan. "Dude, I need a quick solid. Take this menu and form a cone with it. Here, let me cut a couple holes and you can hold it in place with a match. Just put it on your head for two seconds and when I wave to you, wave back and come over here." "No prob." Keegan wears the hat and goes over to the bar. You tap the girl on the shoulder. "Hi. There's a seer by the bar saying that you'll give handjobs to the really cute guys. Is that true?" She seems confused by this. "What's a seer?" "You know. A seer. Magician. Wizard. Fortune-teller. Futurist. Spellcaster. That guy with the hat, see him?" You wave to Keegan. He does his best impression of a chud and waves back. He's overacting like a complete assjack. She sees him and starts to giggle. "I can't believe he's saying that! Really? Are you serious?" Keegan walks over from the bar and joins you. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Do you dig guys with dreadlocks?" (2) >"You're not zorked, are you?" (3) >"So, it's just a myth right?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "I know I shouldn't be doing this. But you only live once, and I like guys with dreadlocks. Do you want to go around back of this place for a quick second or two?" She looks at you expectantly. >yes Damn straight. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Yes." (2) >"I was only kidding." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You bet," you say. She takes you out one of the doors marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and curls up next to you. She undoes the button on your cargo pants and puts her hands underneath your boxers. "All you had to do was ask," she purrs. She proceeds to work you within her fingers like a professional. It feels incredible, and no matter what she says, she's obviously experienced at this. You tell her that you feel like you're going to explode. She gets down on her knees and sucks you off for about two seconds before you climax. She holds you in her mouth for a second until you come back down to earth. She spits and gets back up on her legs. "Did you enjoy that?" she asks. You nod your head. You both come back into the bar. She gives you her number. "Call me?" she asks. >n Dance Floor >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >verbose Chicks Dig Jerks has now entered.... Maximum Verbosity. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >x redhead She has red hair and brown eyes. She is wearing seamed stockings and four-inch heels. She gives momentarily gives you a look of complete disdain before scanning other areas of the tavern. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"You done talking to all those ambiguously gay queefs? 'Cos I don't want to interrupt you if you're in a chud groove." (3) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (4) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The girl momentarily pauses before speaking. She wasn't ready for a comment like that. "Well, you know how it goes," she says. "A flaming reject here, a co-dependent psycho there... pretty soon you start to think there isn't anybody worth talking to. But then, sometimes someone cute like you comes around." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (3) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "You're talking to one, boy." You're briefly taken back by that. "Boy?" you state. "I'm not a boy -- I've got dreadlocks!" >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick rolls her eyes. "Talk to the hand." Keegan instantly lights up. "Is that because the face don't understand? Is that why? You've got the nerve to not only use a fucking tired and cheezed expression but to also give it with an extraordinary sense of disdain? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Fucking cuntrag." >talk to redhead You really have nothing to say right now. >undo Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >undo [Can't "undo" twice in succession. Sorry!] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"You done talking to all those ambiguously gay queefs? 'Cos I don't want to interrupt you if you're in a chud groove." (3) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (4) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The girl momentarily pauses before speaking. She wasn't ready for a comment like that. "Well, you know how it goes," she says. "A flaming reject here, a co-dependent psycho there... pretty soon you start to think there isn't anybody worth talking to. But then, sometimes someone cute like you comes around." >smile That's not a verb I recognise. >kiss woman She says, "No way!" >x redhead She has red hair and brown eyes. She is wearing seamed stockings and four-inch heels. She gives momentarily gives you a look of complete disdain before scanning other areas of the tavern. >x me (Avandre Varick) You are a fine specimen of humanity. You have brown eyes and black hair (which is currently styled as a random smattering of dreadlocks). You are wearing a black-and-red football jersey, a pair of cargo pants and a pair of hightops minus the laces. You are generally regarded by many as a complete assjack. >smile That's not a verb I recognise. >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (3) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick rolls her eyes. "Talk to the hand." Keegan instantly lights up. "Is that because the face don't understand? Is that why? You've got the nerve to not only use a fucking tired and cheezed expression but to also give it with an extraordinary sense of disdain? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Fucking cuntrag." >undo Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (3) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Sweet? You must have me confused with some drippy slut. I chew guys up for breakfast." "Really?" you ask. "That's funny, because my friend Keegan here chews up marble for breakfast and shits out statues. Good ones, too, not missing their limbs and whatnot like all those cruddy ancient ones." You turn towards Keegan, hoping he'll pipe up with some wit but he's transfixed attempting to discern whether or not a couple chicks across the bar are simply extremely drunk or lesbians. A real Team Player. The girl looks about the bar for any other sentient to talk to. >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "You're talking to one, boy." You're briefly taken back by that. "Boy?" you state. "I'm not a boy -- I've got dreadlocks!" >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick rolls her eyes. "Talk to the hand." Keegan instantly lights up. "Is that because the face don't understand? Is that why? You've got the nerve to not only use a fucking tired and cheezed expression but to also give it with an extraordinary sense of disdain? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Fucking cuntrag." >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. >z Time passes. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >x brunette She has long, black hair and brown eyes. She is wearing seamed stockings and four-inch heels. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 The girl breaks into a very small smile. She looks nervously about the room at your cheeziness. "Thanks." >talk to brunette You really have nothing to say right now. > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 The girl looks right through you. "Guess they'll never find a cure then." Keegan snorts in his drink. "Sorry about that dude, but that was kind of a brutal way to get shot-down," he says. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"What's up, doll?" (2) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 You look completely disinterested while delivering your line. She turns towards you and sees that you are not making eye contact. Irritated by your lead in the battle of who could care less, she responds with "Who do you think you are? Jerk." She stares a little too long and sees that you are completely unaffected by her comment. Keegan sits down next to you and joins you in staring toward the dance floor. He's smiling smugly, proud of you, almost. > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Some random table [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Dance Floor [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Dance Floor [Previous turn undone.] >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man. You know?" (2) >"Hey, you. Do you always look this good?" (3) >"I know you! Your picture kept coming up when I was researching that paper for Greatest Knockouts Of The Century!" (4) >"You don't get out much, do you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 She blushes at that. "Not always," she says. "I used to be kind of a brainiac when I was little and looked like a real go-tard. Then, one day, it all came together!" "Ah," you state. "Got your breasts, done, huh?" "No!" she exclaims. She took that you were kidding with that statement. "I mean I got sexier glasses and had my braces taken off." Keegan interjects. "Yeah, your legs look like they turned it out OK." She giggles and says, "No, for my teeth, not braces for my legs!" She's playing the game, happy for the attention from two guys who obviously aren't dorks. Gotta like that. >x blonde She has bleached blonde hair and green eyes. She is wearing a leather jacket and pair of painted-on jeans. She is wearing a pair of glasses which really look sexy on her. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"I know you! Your picture kept coming up when I was researching that paper for Greatest Knockouts Of The Century!" (2) >"You don't get out much, do you?" (3) >"What brings you out here tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 Well, I was talking to my roommie, Kirsty, and she said, "Leigh, you need to go out tonight and meet somebody. You're like Rapunzel locked away in her cave." "Er, I think she was locked in a tower," you say. "Really?" She seems genuinely interested. "Yeah. I mean, she had all that long hair and stuff, and dudes used to climb all over it." She pauses for a second. "Oh! That's right. OK. But still. Like her." "Right. I get the effect you are going for." "OK. Tell me about yourself. Who are you?" >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"Well, we're dangerous men and don't want you to get hurt via association." (2) >"Hoping to find some sweethearts, you know?" (3) >"I thought this was a kareoke bar." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "Kareoke? What's that?" "Well, basically it's a way for a bunch of untalented guys to impress girls who should know better by screeching poor renditions of songs you barely recall in keys you're unfamiliar with. Keegan interjects. "Yeah, Van eats that shit up." "The spotlight, as always, needs me. You'd be a cool girl to sing to, though." "Really? Why's that?" "Well, you've obviously got brains enough to appreciate the heartfelt song of a man's soul." "Yeah. I, uh, 'eat that shit up.' She gives you both a friendly laugh. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"We've got to book, actually." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You guys seem really cool. Let me give you my number. Do you have a pen?" You don't. "Um, I'll memorize it." She looks kinda hurt at that statement. "No, really!" I will. I equate football jersey number with phone numbers. Two at a time. Shoot." She gives you a blank stare. "OK... 41..." "Lester Roper," you say. "22." "Bucky Johnson." "97." "Todd Veasey." "3." "Ah, yes. Kicker Sancho Hebert. Roper, Bucky, Veasey, Sancho. No prob!" "You'll really remember it?" "Look, you're a knockout. Of course I will." You tell her yours before she goes. She seems happy about that and gives you a hug before leaving. "Word up," you say to Keegan. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 0 Eeeagh! Stage fright! Abort! >x woman She has long, dark hair and dark, almost black eyes. She is wearing birkenstocks, which probably means she's at least a closet hippie. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She looks at you, briefly, totally annoyed. "You're a reason not to," she mutters. She turns away, completely ignoring you. >undo Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 You look completely disinterested while delivering your line. She turns towards you and sees that you are not making eye contact. Irritated by your lead in the battle of who could care less, she responds with "Who do you think you are? Jerk." She stares a little too long and sees that you are completely unaffected by her comment. Keegan sits down next to you and joins you in staring toward the dance floor. He's smiling smugly, proud of you, almost. >undo Some random table [Previous turn undone.] >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 The girl breaks into a very small smile. She looks nervously about the room at your cheeziness. "Thanks." >x brunette She has long, dark hair and dark, almost black eyes. She is wearing birkenstocks, which probably means she's at least a closet hippie. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >kiss girl She says, "No way!" >x brunette She has long, dark hair and dark, almost black eyes. She is wearing birkenstocks, which probably means she's at least a closet hippie. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >talk to brunette You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (3) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (4) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 0 Eeeagh! Stage fright! Abort! >x redhead She has red hair and brown eyes. She is wearing a cute pair of overalls and green undershirt. It looks like she is laughing at practically anything that is said to her. She's either wasted or easily amused. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (3) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (4) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She remains completely motionless for a moment. Then she breaks into laughter. "I have to admit, that's one that I've never heard before." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (2) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (3) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick laughs at that. "Really?" Looks like it's time for you to pump it up and take it to that higher level. "Yeah, he's fucking crazy. He used to live up north with the northerners. Then one day the tribe he was staying with killed a giant whale. Keegan just starts eating the blubber and nothing else. Pretty soon, you see, the whale is gone and he starts in on the Inuit like crazy. Yeah, they had him shipped to the Fort where he fits in with the normal array of crazies, whackjobs and general spazzes." "That's pretty big of you to take him out." "Yeah, the government cuts me a check each month to be his friend." She smiles at that, happy to engage in mindless, senseless banter. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You're going to breakdance? Here!?! Omigod! No, don't get your cardboard do it on the floor, okay? Pleeeeeease?" What the hell. You freeze-frame over to the disco floor and get down on the ground in order to do the dolphin. You kick it old school for a couple seconds until some clown cabbage- patches over you and falls. You quickly get the hell out of there and back to the chick. You find her laughing so hard that she is on the verge of tears." "Yeah, you know he's legit 'cos he's from the street," adds Keegan. "Omigod," she says. "That was so cool! Look, I've got to go hit another club, but you simply HAVE to call me sometime. Okay? My name is Rebecca." She jots down her number and gives it to you. >talk to redhead You can't see any such thing. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 0 Eeeagh! Stage fright! Abort! >x woman She has long, dark hair and hazel eyes. She is wearing birkenstocks, which probably means she's at least a closet hippie. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 The girl looks right through you. "Guess they'll never find a cure then." Keegan snorts in his drink. "Sorry about that dude, but that was kind of a brutal way to get shot-down," he says. >laugh That's not a verb I recognise. >z Time passes. >laugh That's not a verb I recognise. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"What's up, doll?" (2) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The girl breaks into a very small smile. She looks nervously about the room at your cheeziness. "Thanks." >talk to brunette You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >x blonde She has blonde hair and green eyes. She is wearing an outfit most hookers would blush at. She constantly looks at her watch and bites her lower lip. She appears to be totally pre-occupied. >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"Can I buy you a drink?" (2) >"I just had to tell you this -- you're the best looking girl I've ever seen here." (3) >"Hey, haha, nice outfit. It's not often you see a chick with that kind of taste." (4) >"So. In what way are *you* mentally insane?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Really! Come on, I bet you say that to every girl you're trying to pick up." "No, no. I mean it. You really are. My friend here will vouch for me." Keegan doesn't miss a beat as you two have run through these lines before. "Yeah, he's been prattling on and on about you since we walked in. I think you should plant him a big old wet one right on the lips and make his night." He stares straight ahead the entire time, because he's checking out a couple girls which are all over each other in another corner of the bar. She locks in with eye contact. "Well, I would but I don't want you to think I'm easy or anything." "Easy? Pshaw, right?" >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"Can I buy you a drink?" (2) >"I wouldn't think you are easy. Yet." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "I should probably not tell you this, then. I am easy." "Really," you state. You just want to see where this roller-coaster ride is headed. "Yes. Well, I don't mean all four bases and what not. Sometimes it's the only kind of escape I have. I have a baby, you see." >talk to woman Please select one: (1) >"Can I buy you a drink?" (2) >"Really? What's its name?" (3) >"Wow, you're so young! How did it happen?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Her name is Kylie. Really, though, most guys usually say something like, "You're so young!" or "How did it happen?" Y'know, like I had personal tragedy befell me or something. "This has to be the first time I've known the child's name before the mom." "Oh! My name is Andrea. What's yours? "I'm Avandre. This is my friend Keegan." "Keegan? What kind of name is that?" Keegan pipes up. "My first name is Daniel... this crumholtz just calls me by my last name. Don't think that doesn't get old after a while." "Crumholtz?" asks Andrea. "He of the crooked wood." You decide to take control of the situation again. "Ok, tell me what it's like to raise a daughter in this town." Before she can reply, though, her pager goes off. "Argh, I have to go. Here -- " she jots down a number. "Give me a call sometime, ok?" "You bet." Andrea leaves the table. >n Dance Floor This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal frustration. Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix. You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a brunette here. >x brunette She has long, black hair and brown eyes. She is wearing a leather jacket and pair of painted-on jeans. Your eyes meet hers, and she freezes. She instantly looks you up and down. She licks her lips smiles evily. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Are you upset that Jimmy quit and Jody got married?" (2) >"Do you dig guys with dreadlocks?" (3) >"There's a seer by the bar saying that you'll give handjobs to the really cute guys. Is that true?" (4) >"You're not zorked, are you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "You motion toward Keegan. "Dude, I need a quick solid. Take this menu and form a cone with it. Here, let me cut a couple holes and you can hold it in place with a match. Just put it on your head for two seconds and when I wave to you, wave back and come over here." "No prob." Keegan wears the hat and goes over to the bar. You tap the girl on the shoulder. "Hi. There's a seer by the bar saying that you'll give handjobs to the really cute guys. Is that true?" She seems confused by this. "What's a seer?" "You know. A seer. Magician. Wizard. Fortune-teller. Futurist. Spellcaster. That guy with the hat, see him?" You wave to Keegan. He does his best impression of a chud and waves back. He's overacting like a complete assjack. She sees him and starts to giggle. "I can't believe he's saying that! Really? Are you serious?" Keegan walks over from the bar and joins you. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Do you dig guys with dreadlocks?" (2) >"You're not zorked, are you?" (3) >"So, it's just a myth right?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "I know I shouldn't be doing this. But you only live once, and I like guys with dreadlocks. Do you want to go around back of this place for a quick second or two?" She looks at you expectantly. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Yes." (2) >"I was only kidding." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You bet," you say. She takes you out one of the doors marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and curls up next to you. She undoes the button on your cargo pants and puts her hands underneath your boxers. "All you had to do was ask," she purrs. She proceeds to work you within her fingers like a professional. It feels incredible, and no matter what she says, she's obviously experienced at this. You tell her that you feel like you're going to explode. She gets down on her knees and sucks you off for about two seconds before you climax. She holds you in her mouth for a second until you come back down to earth. She spits and gets back up on her legs. "Did you enjoy that?" she asks. You nod your head. You both come back into the bar. She gives you her number. "Call me?" she asks. >s You can't go that way. Exits lead north, east, northeast or northwest. >e Outside the Bathroom You are currently waiting outside the bathroom at Mick's. There only seems to be two or three chuds ahead of you at the present time. You've always wondered why they painted pictures of the Ameba on the inside of the stalls. There are definitely greater heroes to pick from when designing the indoor of a filthy bathroom. You would have thought that the Golden Avenger, for instance, would pull the effect off much better. Pang's not here, so he either finally got inside or is outside barfing on the patio. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >x shayne He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. You notice that there are a couple guys ahead of you in line who seem to be regarding you with a fair amount of disdain. >z Time passes. The short guy comes up to you. He says, "You fucking looking at something, dick?" >talk to man Please select one: (1) >"Sorry, what was that?" (2) >"Lick 'em, Tom Thumb. I will fucking ruin you." (3) >"No, no problems whatsoever!" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah? Let's fucking go, bitch. Come on. If you're fucking man enough, you pissing coward pussy." >hit man After all the violence comes to an end you gather together with Pang and Keegan. Pang asks you if you're ready to take off, and it looks like there is very little else to do tonight. You respond affirmatively. As you're about to leave, Jennifer comes up to you and puts her hand on your shoulder. "Avandre," she says, "I was just wondering. Um, would you like to come home with me?" She gives you a little smile and makes eye contact awaiting your response. >(Yes/No) y "I'd love to," you say. You give a quick heads-up to Keegan and Pang with Jennifer on your arm. "Hey, remember that time you two did the 3D-modeling for that hot action game Virtua Queef?" Keegan sees that you've got a girl with you. "Get lost, assjack." [Please press SPACE to continue] You find yourself back in Jennifer's bedroom. It's a fluffy, overblown megadeal complete with the giant, roofed bed. You've been in situations like this before, it's nothing you can't handle. She leaves to freshen up for a second and you use the time to check out the scene for weird odds and ends to comment on. It's always been your experience that girls love talking about their room. Jennifer arrives from the bathroom. She lights three or four candles about the room and then turns off all the lights. She spends a moment looking you over as you lay on her bed. She grins and then comes over toward you, just out of reach. She plays a compact disc and hits fast-forward until it reaches the sixth song. The song starts off with a slow, steady electric guitar that snaps on beats two and four. You hear whispers from the vocalist and she turns the volume up. She continues to keep beat to the music, dancing for you. She loses her self for a second and then comes back to earth and sees that you are transfixed. She slowly starts to undress. Looks like you really lucked out this time, as you become more and more arsoused looking at her tight, sexy body. She starts to mouth the music and turns away from you, still writhing. The first words she says since you came back to her place are in concert with the song. Her eyes get larger. "His arms are around me, and he's tearing my eyes...." she is now wearing almost nothing and comes to you on the bed. Stalking you, on all fours, as if you are prey. You sit with your arms behind your head, obviously amused and enjoying the show she's giving you. She seems to have completely accepted the fact that you are going to remain there, motionless, for a bit. She closes her eyes as she begins to slip out of her bra. You feel the music coming to a close and decide to strike on the final chord of the song. She clearly wasn't expecting you to be so fast. You bring her head up and look into her brown eyes. You bring her mouth to yours and without breaking eye contact slowly trace just the tip of your tongue under her upper lip. You gently stroke a line down cheek with your fingers and turn your attention to her neck. Slowly, slowly, so slowly, you start to proceed down. Her shoulders smell so fucking incredible and are so smooth. You hold her around her waist with your left hand and unfasten her bra with your right. You look into her eyes again as you trace your thumbs under her nipples. She closes her eyes and so quietly moans; for just a little bit. Without warning, she jerks her eyes wide open and pushes you down on the bed. She kisses you, ravages your tongue with hers. She starts to lick your face like a little kitten and rips off your jersey. She throws it clear across the room, knocking over and blowing out a candle. You take a hold of her, just below her waist and simply command her to move closer to you. You then peel off the rest of her clothing. She giggles and then undoes the snap on your cargo pants. She throws them on the floor and parts your boxers. She starts to take you into her mouth and it feels... it feels right. God, ecstasy. You forget everything else and just enjoy this sexy, gorgeous woman teasing you, giving you just the beginnings of some head. Before the rocket can blast off into space, you bring her face back up towards yours and kiss her. You caress her everywhere, alternating between quick and drawn-out touches. She holds her hair up above her head, almost posing for you. You decide to make her feel like a goddess. You rise, mouth her everywhere on her chest and then lay her softly upon the sheets of the bed. You go down, explore her all over and listen to her reactions; try to understand what she enjoys, what's making her call out her God's name, what makes her spastic. The two of you have animal sex for the better part of the night. Afterwards, she falls asleep and you tuck her in. You find a pen and some paper and leave her a little note and your number. You kiss her on the forehead and she (reflexively?) smiles contently. You blow out the remaining candles, dress, and make your way home. You drop, exhausted, and are haunted by a dream you've had randomly but continually for years. You recall one of those lazy summer days when there were no responsibilities and you were totally free. Kiera was sitting upon the hill by the reservoir waiting for your visit. She'd always appeared to you as a lifeless doll waiting for your imagination and humour to fully animate her as you approached. You don't recall ever stopping to cherish the scene, though you made countless dates there and it was always beautiful. You took for granted the warmth of the sun on your skin and the minty scent of the freshly-cropped grass. In this dream you always ascend the hill and sit right next to her and -- instead of being greeted with genuine good cheer -- you feel as if her smile conceals a knife about to be treacherously twisted into your spine. In reality, of course, you never had a fight, conniption, spastic attack or argument on the hill. "You have to stop coming around." She said that once in all the time you were together. The end, natch. Invariably, it's all you can ever recall her saying since the day she left. You ask her about the Other Guy. Not as smugly as you would today. No hint of sarcasm. She frowns, as angry as you've ever remembered. She briefly looks away, as if your eye contact still had any sort of power over her and returns to stare right through you. "He's a friend," she states bluntly. Coldly. And you always wanted to, at that point, deliver all the rage you had inside which burns to this day, to throw wave after wave of hatred and anger upon her, to unleash your horror like a meteor storm. To rock the bitch's world and leave her reeling and bleeding. But, as always, you're completely frozen and unable to do so in the dream. You're instead consumed by thoughts of how it happened, how she got to this point. Regretting all the time spent with your worthless friends (now thousands of miles away), all the nights chilling with the other punk-ass goth rejects at the cemetery, all the time you didn't spend, basically, being an exciting, unavailable, uncontrollable asshole. So you'll wake up in the morning wishing, just once, to throw her down the hill or into the reservoir and tell her, finally, to fuck off. The sheer mediocrity of your life enrages you to the point of resolving to finally make a difference and something out of your life. But it always fades, quickly, as you wrestle with determining where you are and whom you woke up with. [Please press SPACE to continue] You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >talk to criswell You really have nothing to say right now. Pang shoots Criswell in the face with a grenade launcher. He yells, "Eat it, bitch!" >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"What the hell took so long in there?" (2) >"Christ, man, did you fall in?" (3) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I hate having to go in there... everybody's always hogging the stalls." Criswell retaliates with a rapid layer of hot slag that slices through the air, killing Pang's character. "This ain't Championship Manager, McDickle. Ya gots t'pay *attention* out there!" >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 0 Eeeagh! Stage fright! Abort! Criswell gets up for a moment and goes to the refrigerator. He picks up a jug and sniffs it. "Hey, is this orange juice?" Everyone replies, "Yeah." Criswell wrinkles his nose and is visably irritated. "Look, is it orange juice or just a really big screwdriver?" Everyone replies, "Screwdriver." >z Time passes. The video game crashes. Pang slams his fist down on the console. "Dammit! This fucking thing has more bugs than a tropical swamp!" Keegan enters and gives you a nod. "Just a sec and I'll be ready to go," he says. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" (2) >"What's the plan for tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial. Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway, The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive itself." Criswell appears visably annoyed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fat piece of trash? Keep hitting the system like I hit your mom last night and I'll bust a cap through your ass." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. It's about a two-hour drive. I'll drive." You follow Keegan out and get into his chevette. Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. Your shovel is buried underneath a ton of crap in Keegan's backseat. >get shovel Ah! It feels good to once again have your shovel in your possession. >l Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. You hear an annoying slurping noise as Keegan sucks away the last of his cola. >z Time passes. Keegan finishes off his can of pop and chucks it out the window. "Hey!" you exclaim. "That can be fucking recycled!" Keegan shrugs. "It still can be." >z Time passes. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"So what the hell is new, anyway?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Keegan shrugs, then lights up. "Oh! You know who I ran into the other day? Krista." He sees the puzzled look on your face. "C'mon, you remember Krista. She was a friend of Jalene." Jalene. The first girl you ever fell in love with. The sexiest redhead you've ever seen on the face of the planet. Who now lives two continents away. She moved a couple years ago and the two of you have lost touch. "I don't remember her hanging out with any Krista," you say. "Yeah, yeah you do. She was from the east coast. Had that accent -- always turned her R's into 'AHs'. She'd always say, 'I want some smah-ties! I am looking to date a guy named MAH-tin!!' Well, anyway, I ran into her the other day. "Where?" "I'd rather not get into that." "Don't give me that shit. Where the hell where you that you ran into Jalene's alledgedly existing posse? I don't yet believe they exist, so you'd better provide some scenery." "I was at the florist." "Nothing wrong with going to the florist," you say. You give it about a four- second pause before interjecting. "The FLORIST? What the hell is wrong with you? No -- scratch that. Please, tell me what's *right* with you. You haven't had a date in a lightyear and I know that's a measure of time, not distance. So it wasn't for some chick. You didn't end up going to some teenagers's prom, did you? Please. Elucidate your thoughts." "I was taking Blur there. He had a project for school. Or something. He had to grow a rubber plant." "Nice use of the 'little brother excuse,'" you say. "Thanks. Anyway, Speaking of rubber plants, I got an update on Jalene from her. She actually had an abortion two weeks ago." Stunned silence. "It wasn't one of MINE, is it?" "No, dude, no... some guy she met after she moved. The trojan broke or something. Besides, I'm pretty sure that only elephants have like a thirty-month gestation period." "Yeah. That's a pretty good point. But hell, for all I know she kept some of the swimmies in a magic jar somewhere." "Um," says Keegan. "I find the direction you are steering this conversation demented and frightening. Let's just listen to the radio." >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes the car off the highway. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes a right onto a gravely road. "Okay," he says. "Almost there." >z Time passes. Keegan stops the car and turns off the engine. He turns to you. "Time to take care of biz-ness." >get up Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. You can see Keegan. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. You can see Keegan. >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. You can see a motionless cemetery guard here, slumped against the fence. >x guard Upon touching the guard for examination, he falls apart in several different sliced pieces! Scraps of his head seperate, squirting blood everywhere. His midsection undoes like finely sliced salami. You are able to determine that he was in his late forties, about six-foot tall and approximately two-hundred thirty pounds. You see that he was carrying a stray piece of lumber with him and a gun. Upon examination, the gun seems to have no more shots left in it. >get gun Taken. >get lumber Keegan pipes up with a comment. "Hey, see if you can find anything worthwhile in my car, willya? I may have a plan for getting over that fence." >x gun Looks like the kind of glock you used to see everyday while growing up. >s You can't go that way. >sw Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. >s Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. >s Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. >s You can't get back on the highway yet. >in Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. You notice that Keegan's backseat can probably be removed. >get seat You rip out the backseat of his car and carry it with you. Doing so reveals a single functional spring. >get spring Taken. >n You can't go that way. Exits lead out. >out Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >drop spring Dropped. >put lumber on spring You put the piece of lumber on the spring. >jump on lumber You take a running start and proceed to vault off the board, hoping to make it over the fence. You manage to get pretty solid height when you realize you're about to come down straight on the fence's fanged stiletos! Luckily, you avoid getting your chest impaled by using Keegan's backseat as a sort of shield. You stick it out in front of you and it catches the fangs. You fall over the fence onto the other side. Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >z Time passes. Keegan performs the same manuever you did, and jumps over the fence. "I guess there was a little bounce still left in that one spring, huh Van?" >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >e Outside the Shed Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single, centered window obscured by cobwebs. Keegan is here. >x shed This is a kind of run-down wooden shack, almost nauseating in its rotted stench. You suddenly hear a loud crash and a hollow, raspy scream! Something is emerging from the shed! >x thing It is a rancid spawn of hell, with rotting, scabby flesh that hangs off it in loose strands. It bleeds profusely with any sort of strenuous movement and cries continually due to its constant pain. It is strangely muscled and has sharp, blue bugeyes. The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to shamble toward you. >attack thing You attempt to attack the abomination, but it quickly strikes and sends you flying away! There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist. >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. You can see a short, aggressive shitwank here. >x guy He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >attack guy "You whip out the shovel and throw it at him. Before it arrives, however, he has enough time to fire off a shot of his weapon. Keegan desperately tries to avoid the white flash but is caught within the beam's energy. He is instantly disintegrated. The pissing shitwank was totally unprepared for anyone to start chucking shovels at him. He is heavily pierced by it and falls upon the gun, and manages to trigger it. He is instantly obliterated, you hear a sudden shriek and then absolutely nothing. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >undo Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] >attack guy "You whip out the shovel and throw it at him. Before it arrives, however, he has enough time to fire off a shot of his weapon. Keegan desperately tries to avoid the white flash but is caught within the beam's energy. He is instantly disintegrated. The pissing shitwank was totally unprepared for anyone to start chucking shovels at him. He is heavily pierced by it and falls upon the gun, and manages to trigger it. He is instantly obliterated, you hear a sudden shriek and then absolutely nothing. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >l Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >s Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >w As you attempt to go toward the western section of the graveyard, you see a woman look up and notice your approach. She chants something in tongues and unleashes a series of burning knives! You duck and narrowly miss them. > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Religious Clearing [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Cemetery [Previous turn undone.] > Hot key -- Undo one turn Outside the Shed [Previous turn undone.] >x shed Only a fine, black mist remains of the shed. >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. You can see a short, aggressive shitwank here. >x guy He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >z Time passes. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >attack guy You whip out your shovel and heave it like a javelin at him. He was totally unprepared for anyone to start chucking shovels at him. Your shot catches him wholly off guard and he stumbles over the gun, firing it in the process. He screams before being wholly consumed in a white flash of energy. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. >q Are you sure you want to quit? n >w You are able to crawl to the west without detection. Shadowy Sculpture You are at the western edge of the graveyard. A grotesque stone gargoyle dominates the scene, behind which is a black-clad woman. She appears to be consulting some sort of tome. You are almost upon her when she notices your approach. "Halt!" she commands. It seems as if she has locked you into place, and you are totally unable to move away! You can see a dark, leggy brunette here. >save Ok. >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Who are you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Far be it from me that I allow you to live the rest of your tortured existence without knowing just by whom you have been destroyed. My name is Lien Chiu, I am the Grand Witch of what your people vaguely know as an ancient, evil occult." You interject. "I'm not a native of the Fort. I have nothing but good cheer for you and your homies." She seems unimpressed. "Hm. Get your little comments and barbs in now, as after you have become a monsterous slave to my every whim and desire your little acid tongue will be hanging loosely from your pus-infected mouth." "How do you -- " you are about to ask her how it is that she commands your body when you are cut off. "For centuries my ancestors have trained their minds and researched the human brain. It is to that end that this backhole, fucked up mountain town is perfect for testing." >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"Why this town? Why now?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Lien adjusts her cape before considering the question. "You can't see it, can you? You claim to not be a native but already their attitude and general sloth have infected you. This town embodies all the traits my people despise. You are all lazy. Lethargic. You do nothing but consume alcohol, other depressants and stimulants while aspiring nothing more than to get into bed with one another. You are, effectively, bringing the entire human race to a crawl. Your quality of life ensures that you have the means to continue to reproduce like frothing rabbits, while simultaneously none of you are remotely interested in birth control of even the most basic sort. Your decadence disgusts us. My people, my religion, we understand how the majority of the people on this planet do nothing but waste resources and engage in hapless pursuits without merit or cause. Most of the denizens of this Fort can't effectively defend why they get out of bed in the morning." "Hey, I usually leave the chick's bed long before morning," you inform her. Lien looks into your eyes with a sort of different scope than before. Almost as if you are now registering as a real person on her radar. "You... Please understand that what I am about to say changes nothing. You will be permanently mentally dominated due to your own weak will. I must confess that I possess a certain smugness in my dogma, however, you are almost at peace, calm, with yours." "I really don't think you want to hurt me," you say. "I don't believe that someone as gorgeous as yourself truly has the capacity to ruin me like you say you will." She lets her guard down for a moment, it seems. She asks you, simply, and with a faint whisper, "Will you kiss me?" >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"I'd sooner kiss a pig." (2) >"Doll, after one kiss you'll be calling me daddy and begging me to stay the night." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 She appears strangely impressed by that statement. She slowly comes closer and you notice her close her eyes. Her entire body (which of course, you are able to get a rather enticing view of due to her penchant for being clad in tight, black leather) tenses during her approach. The wind picks up and soon a black mist enters the area. She approaches you and her lips are almost upon yours. Apparently she had held her breath while drawing close as she relaxes slightly and inhales a great deal of smoke. She draws back and starts violently coughing. Suddenly, you realize that you have control over your muscles again. You reach for the glock and drive it straight into her skull while she is wretching. She screams and thrashes wildly. You feel a presence attempt to enter your body, but sense that it fails as the woman dies of massive head trauma. Her blood is splattered about, covering almost everything. You take her book with the intent of contacting the authorities. Before you leave, you take one last look at her corpse. She really wasn't *that* hot. [Please press SPACE to continue] There remained, still, a task to complete. Keegan's parents had no idea what happened to him. He was certainly closer to his family then you ever were with yours and you didn't want them to find out on the news or in the paper or from the resounding scuttlebutt that would eventually reach them. Everything had turned so miserable and dank. The air was chill, yet stagnant. You hadn't noticed it before, but it was the time of year when all the leaves had fallen from the trees. They lay on the ground, all crunchy and brown, just rotting away. The branches always reminded you of the outline of various creepy crawlers or spiders and the sky seemed to quickly turn to indigo in the evening. You got there just as the sun was about to set. Keegan's dad -- Henry Keegan -- answered the door. You had never gotten along particularly well with him; you were always under the impression that he considered you kind of a slacker or fruit. You had no idea how to begin, so you simply stated that Keegan died the previous night in an attack at the graveyard you had been assigned to. He didn't so much as flinch when you told him, his face completely expressionless. He simply nodded and proceeded to shut the door. You had no idea what to make of that, but you knew from his descriptions of his father that he was a proud, quiet man, unwilling to show any emotion around his children whatsoever. You paused for a second after the door shut and reflected on how you told him. You went down the steps toward your car. You remember hearing sobbing and shrieking as you got to the third step -- it was Keegan's mother, hysterically crying and saying "Daniel, Daniel, my baby" over and over again. It hurt. It just hurt to the soul. As you were about to get in your car you noticed his five-year-old little brother quietly playing with some cheap plastic cars. He vroomed them about the sidewalk. You sat down next to him. "Hey, Blur," you whispered. "Daniel's dead," he said plainly. "What?" You were a little taken by that. "How the -- how on earth do you know that?" Blur was still intently playing with his matchbox cars. "Mommy cried like that when grandpa went with the angels." "Yeah," you said. There wasn't a whole lot you could say. "Only I didn't see no angels. They never came. It wasn't like in church or nothin'. Tommy Caffrey told me in kid-ner-garden that people say people go to angels when they are dead. They don't never come back and you never see them again and they're dead." Blur seemed to have the cars going about an oval on the square piece of sidewalk he was interested in. "Keeg -- er, Daniel died helping me. The woman that shot him was really, really bad and was about to do evil things to the city; the fort. She -- " at this point Blur cut you off. "I know why she picked you. It's what Daniel always used to say. He said it over an' over and over. We used to play cars and nerf ball and he would talk to me about grownups and stuff and girls and what they're like and stuff." He stopped, suddenly. You didn't say a word. Blur turned up from his little race for the first time and gave you the most hateful stare you'd ever seen in your life. He sneered viciously. "She picked you because chicks dig jerks." *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Shadowy Sculpture [Previous turn undone.] >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"I'd sooner kiss a pig." (2) >"Doll, after one kiss you'll be calling me daddy and begging me to stay the night." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She sneers and draws back. "You really are a fucking asshole, you know that?" A black cloud of mist wanders about from the east and she fans it away. She begins to speak in a language you do not understand and you feel your energy and will fade. You fall to the earth, devoid of personality, intelligence and sense of self. Throughout the next hundred years you exist as a shambling, obedient mound, serving only to provide menial labor for your new masters. Your skin quickly rots away, leaving exposed tissue that causes an incredible, constant ache. Every moment is a horror, a terror and you find that they have removed your vocal chords to stop you from groaning in pain. You crave oblivion but it never comes. *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Shadowy Sculpture [Previous turn undone.] >talk to brunette Please select one: (1) >"I'd sooner kiss a pig." (2) >"Doll, after one kiss you'll be calling me daddy and begging me to stay the night." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 She appears strangely impressed by that statement. She slowly comes closer and you notice her close her eyes. Her entire body (which of course, you are able to get a rather enticing view of due to her penchant for being clad in tight, black leather) tenses during her approach. The wind picks up and soon a black mist enters the area. She approaches you and her lips are almost upon yours. Apparently she had held her breath while drawing close as she relaxes slightly and inhales a great deal of smoke. She draws back and starts violently coughing. Suddenly, you realize that you have control over your muscles again. You reach for the glock and drive it straight into her skull while she is wretching. She screams and thrashes wildly. You feel a presence attempt to enter your body, but sense that it fails as the woman dies of massive head trauma. Her blood is splattered about, covering almost everything. You take her book with the intent of contacting the authorities. Before you leave, you take one last look at her corpse. She really wasn't *that* hot. [Please press SPACE to continue] There remained, still, a task to complete. Keegan's parents had no idea what happened to him. He was certainly closer to his family then you ever were with yours and you didn't want them to find out on the news or in the paper or from the resounding scuttlebutt that would eventually reach them. Everything had turned so miserable and dank. The air was chill, yet stagnant. You hadn't noticed it before, but it was the time of year when all the leaves had fallen from the trees. They lay on the ground, all crunchy and brown, just rotting away. The branches always reminded you of the outline of various creepy crawlers or spiders and the sky seemed to quickly turn to indigo in the evening. You got there just as the sun was about to set. Keegan's dad -- Henry Keegan -- answered the door. You had never gotten along particularly well with him; you were always under the impression that he considered you kind of a slacker or fruit. You had no idea how to begin, so you simply stated that Keegan died the previous night in an attack at the graveyard you had been assigned to. He didn't so much as flinch when you told him, his face completely expressionless. He simply nodded and proceeded to shut the door. You had no idea what to make of that, but you knew from his descriptions of his father that he was a proud, quiet man, unwilling to show any emotion around his children whatsoever. You paused for a second after the door shut and reflected on how you told him. You went down the steps toward your car. You remember hearing sobbing and shrieking as you got to the third step -- it was Keegan's mother, hysterically crying and saying "Daniel, Daniel, my baby" over and over again. It hurt. It just hurt to the soul. As you were about to get in your car you noticed his five-year-old little brother quietly playing with some cheap plastic cars. He vroomed them about the sidewalk. You sat down next to him. "Hey, Blur," you whispered. "Daniel's dead," he said plainly. "What?" You were a little taken by that. "How the -- how on earth do you know that?" Blur was still intently playing with his matchbox cars. "Mommy cried like that when grandpa went with the angels." "Yeah," you said. There wasn't a whole lot you could say. "Only I didn't see no angels. They never came. It wasn't like in church or nothin'. Tommy Caffrey told me in kid-ner-garden that people say people go to angels when they are dead. They don't never come back and you never see them again and they're dead." Blur seemed to have the cars going about an oval on the square piece of sidewalk he was interested in. "Keeg -- er, Daniel died helping me. The woman that shot him was really, really bad and was about to do evil things to the city; the fort. She -- " at this point Blur cut you off. "I know why she picked you. It's what Daniel always used to say. He said it over an' over and over. We used to play cars and nerf ball and he would talk to me about grownups and stuff and girls and what they're like and stuff." He stopped, suddenly. You didn't say a word. Blur turned up from his little race for the first time and gave you the most hateful stare you'd ever seen in your life. He sneered viciously. "She picked you because chicks dig jerks." *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > q